No, you're not going to cheat at chess with a buttplug

🌈 Abstract

The article discusses the absurd allegations of chess grandmaster Hans Niemann cheating by using a vibrating anal bead device to receive move instructions during a match against Magnus Carlsen. The author, who is an expert in the security of connected adult devices, provides a detailed analysis of why this theory is highly unlikely to be true.

🙋 Q&A

[01] The Absurd Cheating Allegations

1. What was the initial theory about Hans Niemann's alleged cheating?

• A random Reddit user posted a joking theory that Niemann was using vibrating anal beads to receive move instructions from an outside source.
• This theory went viral after Elon Musk tweeted about it, leading to widespread media coverage.

2. Why does the author consider this theory to be complete "BS"?

• The theory was posted by an anonymous Reddit user with no evidence or firsthand knowledge.
• Most "smart" connected anal devices use Bluetooth, which has a very limited range when surrounded by water-rich human tissue, making it impractical for cheating.
• These devices are also receive-only and cannot input moves or communicate with an external chess engine.
• Players are typically scanned with metal detectors before matches, making it difficult to sneak in a vibrating device and phone.

3. What experiments have been done to test the feasibility of cheating using a vibrating buttplug?

• Some groups have demonstrated that it is technically possible to communicate chess moves to a player via a Bluetooth-connected buttplug.
• However, these experiments were conducted in controlled environments without the constraints of a real chess match, such as metal detectors, audience presence, and the need for an accomplice.

4. What are the key reasons the author believes the anal bead cheating theory is highly unlikely?

• The technical limitations of Bluetooth range and functionality of existing devices.
• The difficulty of maintaining a hidden connection and accomplice in the open environment of a chess match.
• The risk of being caught by security measures like metal detectors.
• The overall absurdity and impracticality of the theory compared to more plausible methods of cheating.

[02] The Broader Implications

1. How does the author view the spread of this absurd theory?

• The author feels it is a waste of time to address such a ridiculous theory, but continues to do so due to persistent questions.
• The author notes that in the current climate, even outlandish theories with a grain of truth can gain traction and spread rapidly, despite lacking evidence.

2. What is the author's overall perspective on this situation?

• The author considers the entire situation to be a "farce" and an absurd waste of time.
• However, the author felt compelled to provide a detailed analysis to put the issue to rest and stop being seen as the subject matter expert on "butt-chess" cheating.